I’M PULLING A RACHEL GREEN AND GETTING ‘THE FEAR’ OR HOLY SHIT I’M ABOUT TO QUIT MY JOB, A JOURNEY. PART 2. OF MANY.

I wrote Part 1 at the end of March before I handed my notice in, and found it still in a draft- 19th April. So I posted it, because it’s better late than never, right? Wrong. I read through it and none of it makes sense because I posted it so late.

Let me back up a little bit.

I handed my month’s notice in on the 1st April this year, with no plans for the future. It was terrifying and exhilarating, and I knew that I’d made the right choice because of the intense wave of relief that I felt.

Within two weeks, I:

• Applied for, and was accepted onto, a Psychology Conversion Masters Course at uni. I’ll essentially be doing a three year degree in one year;
• Had an interview for and have been asked to start volunteering for a local befriending and mentoring service, working with people with low level mental health and learning difficulties.

It’s now the 7th May, and I finished work a week ago.

I. Feel. Amazing.

I’ve just about started to fully relax into myself. I still have this lingering anxiety that I should be going back to work tomorrow, and this residual guilt that I’m enjoying myself. Maybe that’s left over from the Catholic upbringing.

I’m already starting to get a little bit scared about September, I’m a huge procrastinator, hence the sporadic blog posts. When I think about what I want from next year, I see this really productive girl, sitting in a coffee shop, typing away with an open textbook and a pen in her mouth. I hope I actually become that girl.

I’m pulling a Rachel Green and getting ‘The Fear’ OR HOLY SHIT I’m about to quit my job, A Journey. Part I. Of many.

I can’t, at this point, be bothered to type out the past few weeks’ events that have culminated in this post. It can be a whole other blog post in and of itself.

I’ve not written ANYTHING since February, and it’s April next week. I’ve not had the focus to get anything down. I probably should have MADE TIME, because it would’ve helped, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, and life is a string of lessons.

Anyway. I’m quitting my job. Handing my notice in on April 1st, and working my month of notice. After that, I have nothing. No new job. No concrete plans. Only at this point a few loosely put together ideas -and I’m terrified.

BUT I AM SO EXCITED.

I know that this is the right decision. I have spent far too long stuck in this rut, complaining about how much I can’t stand my job, how little I can stand some (not all!) of the people, how mentally, physically and emotionally drained I feel, have felt, for months.

Depression and Anxiety are odd life partners. It is so very easy to get comfortable being with them, and being terrified of leaving them behind and moving on without them, despite wanting with all of your might for them to just leave you alone forever.  I’ve been comfortable just plodding along hating life, being depressed and anxious, and I think that’s because this state is all I’ve really ever known. I don’t know what it’s like to change, take risks, to put myself first, to be consistently happy, to fight for what I want and really make an effort to get it. So I’ve stayed. Weeks have melted in to months and despite promising myself that I wouldn’t reach the 2 year mark, here I am, sat in this same office, 2 years and 5 months in.

Enough. I am done. Not the kind of ‘done’ where I get home and rant for an hour and then put on my happy face when I get into the office the next day like nothing ever happened, but really, actually, absolutely and completely done. Notice letter is being written and handed in next week.

I am good at my job, but I’ve been slipping. Things have been missed. Mistakes have been made (and quickly corrected, but that’s besides the point.) That’s WHY I need to leave – I DON’T CARE. I don’t care enough to double and triple check that everything is correct. I don’t care enough to really push myself to do more than the bare minimum. I don’t care enough to not get distracted by other things. I know that that’s awful in terms of work ethic, it really is. I’m a bad employee at this point, but that’s because my spark has gone out. I’ve been stifled, suffocated, pinched, snubbed. I couldn’t give any more if I tried, because I have no more to give. My confidence and self worth have become all but nulified. I can’t remember if I ever had it in the first place. Fake it till you make it, I’ve always been told – but I’m 26 this year and I don’t think *THIS* even comes close to making it, whatever ‘it’ is.

Bye January!

The things you always say to your best friends that you really need to start saying to yourself.

Having The Same Feelings As Jemima Kirke – A Fear of Failure and a Pretty Big Ego

I have this mental block. I used to think it was about starting things but over the years I’ve come to realise it’s actually about sticking to things. Forming long term habits, or hobbies, or really anything to do with anything long term.

Why it’s Tough being Bisexual (NSFW)

Arthur Poulin Photography

It should really go without saying but this post will contain a lot of strong adult language of a sexual nature.

Posts I was proud of last year #2

Posts I was proud of last year

I want to change but I’m scared of change *OR* the REAL reason I’m starting a blog

Pascale Amez Photography

I’ve spent a very long time fighting social media

and the internet whilst stubbornly defending the FACT that all of these platforms are at fault for the wide spread breakdown of face-to-face communication and the stark rise in depression and anxiety in young adults. I’ve not wanted to get ‘sucked in’, and I’ve ‘possibly’ been harbouring a secret ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude towards people that are obviously addicted to the number of likes, comments and followers they have.

UNTIL I REALISED A FEW THINGS (and these ideas have been around for a long time, so you will have heard them before, but I was so busy visibly shuddering at the mention of ‘blogging’ that I missed the point. Joke’s on me, could’ve had a bajillion followers by now)

2017 Wishlist

As 2016 was drawing to a close, I looked back and confirmed the sneaking suspicion that I’ve had for, well, most of my life: I am NOT very good at managing my life.

Instead of just getting depressed and hiding (my usual go-to remedy when these suspicions arise) I decided that a proactive approach would be better. So I decided to write a list. This wouldn’t be your typical New Year’s Resolutions list filled with desperation-soaked, pressure-riddled, vaguely-worded rules screaming “I MUST SOMEHOW BE BETTER OR ELSE!” which would inevitably buckle under its own immense pressure in the first week or two. No! This would be a flowing list of wishes, nudges, manageable morsels of goals that I think would help me to live this year and future years in a much ‘wealthier’ way.  I’m now ready and looking to cultivate a ‘wealthier’ life – so I’ve split my list into three sections: Mental Wealth, Physical Wealth and Life Wealth….